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Wrong Love
Ella Miyake
Finally, I’ve got scholarship to pursue master degree. It is only by HIS grace and my heart overflows with joy and gratitude for HIS kindness and love.

I got the scholarship from Indonesian government, and as one of the awardees I have to follow a program called Persiapan Keberangkatan (Departure Preparation). It is a one week program in which 130 of us were quarantined in a place in Depok. However the quarantine was just the main part of the program, before the quarantine we have to finished several assignments including meet up with fellow awardees. We have to meet up because we are coming from all around Indonesia, literally from Sabang to Merauke. I live in Tangerang, therefore I joined the Jabodetabek group for the meet up assignment. Sunday, 24 July 2016, we had a meet up. The meet up was at Wisma Hijau. It is the place where we were quarantined last week. We sat in a circle formation in a gazebo, and there were 18 of us. Then, I met this man at the meeting. He lives in Gading Serpong, not far from Karawaci where I live. From the moment we met, there is this strange feeling about him. He sat across from me, there were only a little interaction between us, but there is this strange little feeling inside my heart as if we are suited for each other. However, that day ended and nothing happened. I also forgot about him and the strange feeling, maybe because at that day I also knew that he had married.
The days passed very quickly, and it was only few days left before PK. I have to bring so many things to PK since I was appointed to be the treasurer. I shop for some equipment for our closing ceremony. I also bring some equipment to be used in opening ceremony. And of course I have to bring my own luggage. Therefore I try to find a lift. Using Uber or that kind of transportation mode will be too expensive for me. At the beginning, I was thinking to go with my friend who also lives around Tangerang. However she was going to go by train, and therefore my only option left is that man. Long story short I went with him, using his car. I went to his house at 20 August 2016, and then we depart from his house to the temporary meeting point before the PK really began. We chatted a long the way and that feeling came back.
I feel like a stupid person for liking someone who has married. Moreover, we have different religion. And he smoke. He really is not my type. In my life, I have this kind of “list” which filtered men in or out before they got into my heart. Love at the first sight is not me at all. Once a man did not meet up my list, I crossed him out and he will forever be my acquaintance or friend. This man, he did not meet several top priorities in my list which is religion and smoking habit. And don’t talk about marriage, because for me a man who is single but is an ex of my friend will be crossed out from my heart, let alone a man who has married already. Therefore this man... he really made me confused. I really can not mention a thing which could make me like him in normal condition. His quality (which in normal condition might make me like him) is common: he is kind, highly responsible, hard working, and fun. He is indeed very dashing: handsome, tall, and quite buff. But that’s not the reason for me to like him. Physical appearance never came first in my list, it kinds of bonus for me. This strange feeling is purely 100% just because I feel like we suited each other. In what way? Please don’t ask me for I don’t understand my self.
And you know what made this worse? The fact that I feel that he feels the same way. There are several moments that make me think that way. Like the way he looked and smiled. And “the worst” is when I asked him to take picture with me, he took a paper on which a big heart was printed and ask whether he can use it. Though he said it in joking tone and then said that he can not do it... You are most welcome to called me big-headed though. I maybe am.
Please don’t get me wrong. There is nothing happened between us. I absolutely not do any single thing to approach him. I perfectly know his status. I wrote this only for remembering that something as ridiculous as this thing, which I think will never ever happened to me, really happened: that I fell in love with a man who has married, has different religion, and he smoke.
And now I could live Yovie and Nuno’s song Merindu Lagi (pada Kekasih Orang)
This song was played in TV this afternoon and the only thing I could do is laugh in bitterness...


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