I easily love people. I am talking about love for friends here, not romantic love. I love a certain person or a group of people so much that I care about them more than I care about my self. I feel hurt when other people hurt the person I love, while I don’t really care when people hurt me. Sometimes I wonder why I have this kind of feeling. I also become extra careful to not hurt the people I love, especially when I think they haven’t fully understand me just yet. I’m afraid I will annoy them with the expression of my love. In the other hand, because of my sensitive feeling, once a person I love disappoint me, betray my trust, or miss-use my love, I will despise them with all my being. For me, it is whether love or hate, white or black, I don’t have grey area. Once you become my enemy, sorry but you will forever be.
Most of the time I know this is not good. But at the end, this is me, if I don’t accept me then who will?
And here I am now, with that kind of behavior, in my work place. As you may know, I work in the same university where I pursued my bachelor degree, in the same department, as assistant lecturer/research assistant, you name it. Without a doubt I will say that, this is my first school which I love and cherish. For me it had been my second home, and the people in the Biology department had been my family. I loved them so much, I devoted my energy, my time, anything that I can give for Biology department. I want us to be better and greater. I work overtime, even in the weekend be it Saturday or Sunday, and I am happy to do it. I brought my work to home, and do it until late in the night. I study hard to give the best lesson to the students. Most of the times the students are lazy and stubborn, I try to talk nicely to them but when it doesn’t change them into a better person, I scold them, punish them. I know that most of the time they think I enjoy “torturing” them, giving them bad marks, when the truth is I have to push my self to do that for their own good. I even did many things that are not meant to be my job, all because I want the department to be better. I used to do them happily, I am happy that I can give positive contributions to my beloved department. Until last year, when I start to be the only assistant lecturer in the department because of two other assistant lecturers continue their study abroad, everything rapidly changes. My workload tripled, I have to do my own work as well as the work left by my two friends, and in the same time I also have to do things that actually are not belong to me. Burdened by extreme workload, I frequently nag to my co-worker. Her response? You can read it here. In the same time, I also have to face repeated failures of my scholarship applications. My parents don’t fully support my wish to pursue higher degree to become a lecturer, after each failure they always told me that I waste my time; that I should just work in the company and not in the university. Therefore, I have to endure heavy workload as well as pain of failures, and I can’t talk to anybody since they will react negatively and worsen everything. All of these things make my feelings more sensitive. I used to ignore the fact that my supervisor, whom I consider as my father, doesn’t care of me as much as he cares of his previous assistant lecturers. But now, whether I like it or not, I have to admit that bitter fact though I don’t know what I’ve been doing wrong towards him. All those things make me feel that I have been fighting single-handedly to make the department better. The others just don’t care about it, without thinking twice throwing their responsibilities to me, yet still claim that I've done nothing. I am tired now. And all I want to do is quit. Quit from this job. But I wish to do it in peace. I don’t want to create any commotion by my resignation. Because after all, that place once was my home, and those person once was my family.
- I’m tired... I want to go